I will probably start crying at some point during this post. I don't cry pretty, so I am glad that you are reading the words and not looking at my face. When I cry, I blubber.
This morning Jeremy and I woke up to hear Ava talking in her crib. We didn't open our eyes, we just laid in bed and listened. It was the sweetest sound. Eventually Jeremy got up to change her diaper and feed her. Saturdays are his day to get up with her. I always enjoy getting to lay in bed 5-10 minutes longer so that I can stretch and take my time.
We decided that we would go to Cracker Barrel for a brunch this morning and then go run some errands. We had a great time eating a meal together while Ava slept in her carrier. I went to Michael's afterwards to buy some scrapbooking materials that I will need for the church scrapbook and Jeremy went to Kinnucan's to buy a new pair of sunglasses. While he was in the store, I waited in the car with Ava. I pulled out my phone to check my Facebook and the first thing that popped up was a status by a friend of ours. He said that his parents were on their way to Memphis to be with his mom's only sister who had just suffered the loss of her only grandchild that morning. He didn't know details, he just knew that the baby was unresponsive when she had gone to get him that morning.
I don't know the family that this happened to, but I do have a child. All I could think about was my baby in the backseat cooing. I didn't cry at the time, but when Jeremy got back in the car, I told him what had happened. It was hard to even get it all out. I am so sad for this family and am reminded of how fragile life really is. We got home and I got busy taking care of Ava. I got her down for another nap so that I could try to catch up on some rest (I still am not recovered from my Twilight marathon)
She slept so long that I finally had to wake her up. If I hadn't woken her up, she would not have gone to bed on time (which means that she wouldn't be rested for church in the morning) We got into our afternoon routine and I forgot about everything that had happened that morning. Ava got really cranky for about two hours and I didn't know what to do with her. I couldn't give her medicine for her teeth because it would wear off in the middle of the night. She didn't want to be held. She didn't want to play with her toys either. I finally put her in her high chair and tried to feed her. It was an hour earlier than she usually eats, but I had to do something. Meanwhile, my phone was blowing up with text messages and phone calls. I was getting really stressed out because I couldn't answer my phone and I was afraid there was some kind of emergency. Ava was screaming and throwing her puffs on the floor creating a huge mess for me to have to clean up. Her food was taking forever to heat up and Jeremy had gone to the building to practice his sermon. I am hormonal and tired all the time and I couldn't do anything any faster than the pace at which I was already moving. I finally put my head down and started to breath in and out. I looked at Ava and raised my voice, "STOP CRYING!" I banged my fist down on the stove and started crying. I don't think I have ever cried because I didn't know what to do. There has always been some magic formula for making her happy.
Eventually the food got to the right temperature and Ava ate every bite after a little prayer for peace. I calmed down and so did she. Immediately after she finished her food, Jeremy walked through the door. Ava cheered up at once! I think she just wanted to see her daddy. As we were getting her ready for bed, I thought of my friend and the family that lost their little one. I decided to call my friend and see how their family was doing. She explained that they still did not know any details but she would let me know when they did. At the end of our conversation she said: "Make sure you love on your baby tonight." A lump started to form in my throat and I had to find a way to get off the phone before I started to cry. It hit me like a ton of bricks that I totally did the opposite today! I was irritated and short-tempered.
I got off the phone, put my head down on Ava's changing table, and sobbed. I covered my face with my hands because I was so humiliated. God has given me this gift, and I was not appreciative today. Right about then Jeremy brought Ava into the room all wet from her bath. In between sobs I told Jeremy how I thought I was a horrible mother for being so easily irritated this afternoon. I just kept thinking about the family in Memphis who would love to hold their baby tonight. They would love to be able to hear him cry and fuss and see him throw his puffs on the floor. They would treasure every moment of cleaning up his mess. I reached out and hugged Ava while I cried. She, of course, was babbling away, completely unaware that Mommy was having a meltdown. I kissed her on her forehead and took her away from Jeremy. She is not a cuddler, but I tried my best to steal a few hugs when I could. I finally calmed down for the second time today, but this time with a new perspective.
I am so thankful for wake-up calls.
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