The 2-3 weeks immediately following Ava's birth, I was a mess. I didn't really have the "baby blues." I was just so overwhelmed with love for my child. I thanked God on an hour to hour basis for my wonderful gift from above. I cried several times a day because just looking at her brought on the most powerful emotions that I had ever experienced. I never really had feelings like, "what have I done?" or, "I can't do this." I just realized what an awesome responsibility I had.
With that being said, there were several times that I worried about weird things (unrealistic things) I won't go into details because sharing the weird fears and phobias I had is extremely personal. I may tell my girls one day when they have children of their own, but I would like to keep those to myself. I think a lot of people can probably relate.
I remember one day I was sitting on the couch with Ava. She was about two weeks old and we were just settling in to our new routine. Jeremy had been back at work only a few days. As usual, I was walking around my house in my pajamas. I went into Ava's nursery to change a diaper when the doorbell rang. I froze. I was not expecting anyone and did not feel comfortable answering the door in my pajamas. I thought that I would wait it out. The doorbell continued to ring. I was determined to not answer it. After a few minutes, I got a call on my cell phone. It was Jeremy. Apparently, one of my friends (Cindy Middleton) was making a visit and was sitting in her van because she KNEW I was home. I breathed a sigh of relief! I went to the door and let her in. The first thing I did was hand over Ava. I said, "would you mind watching her while I take a shower? I haven't shaved in two weeks!" I love having friends that really don't mind things like that. Cindy watched her while I took my time and got freshened up. After my shower, we visited for a couple of hours and I spilled my guts on all of my strange emotions. My worst fear was that Cindy would think I was crazy. But, she confirmed that I was not! :) It seemed that everything I was feeling was completely normal. Yay!
When I found out that I was expecting Greta, I knew most of what to expect. I prepared myself for all the strange feelings and emotions that I experienced with Ava. Luckily, after my delivery, I experienced none of those same things (except the overwhelming love for my child) I really do feel like Greta has always been a part of our lives and it seems like our transition into a family of 4 has been pretty seamless. I am going to keep her in for three weeks, but I was back at church the Sunday evening after delivery. My emotions do not feel out of "whack" or anything. I think a lot of it has to do with the fact that I am not attempting to breastfeed this time. Jeremy and I talked about it for a couple of months and just decided that because of my prior (traumatizing) experience, it would be better for us all if we just started Greta on formula at the beginning. I felt a little guilt when my milk came in, but then I remembered everything I went through with Ava and how I was only getting about 20 minutes of sleep in between her feedings (day and night) because of breastfeeding, supplementing, and pumping. I was not willing to do that again with an infant and an 18 month old. I know the nutritional significance of breastfeeding is great, but I feel like a better mom to my girls because I am well rested and happier.
So...because I am doing so much better this time around, I jumped at the chance to have a pedicure with the girls from my iCare group at church! I really needed to get out of the house and do something for myself. Taking care of babies is physically taxing! I hadn't had a pedicure since I was a senior in high school. That was 10 years ago! Thursday was a difficult day because it was my first time to take both girls out of the house at the same time. By that evening I was ready to sit in a massage chair while a little man (who didn't speak English) massaged my feet and clipped and painted my toenails. I am so glad he did not speak English because I am pretty sure he would have hurt my feelings talking about how horrible my feet were! :) It was also nice to have adult interaction. After we all had our toenails painted, we went out to eat at Los Tarascos (my favorite Mexican restaurant) Going out on that "date" made me feel like a girl again. I know what it feels like to be a mom and wife, but I had almost forgotten what it felt like to be a girl. It is refreshing!
So that's all for now! I am enjoying having two children! Here is a picture of our pretty toes from Thursday evening:
Toes clockwise from top: Carla Taylor, mine, Terri Robertson, & Allison Farmer
Yes, my toes belong in the sad, little, boring, black flip-flops. I guess my next venture needs to be investing in some cuter, more colorful summer shoes! I hope my husband can accommodate me!
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